October OAM Everywhere – Our Favorite Denver Girls … Again!

For the second time, please welcome the girls of Denver for our October OAM Everywhere! If you missed their first ladies’ night event, check it our here!


Hi there! All the OAM Denver girls are super excited that fall is coming!! We’ve had a blazing hot summer here but the mornings are starting to cool off and the thoughts of pumpkin spiced lattes, a warm slice of apple pie, and the crunching of leaves under our feet consume us!

For our get together this month, I hosted a Baked Potato Bar! I saw this idea in Real Simple Magazine and thought it looked like a fun and simple dinner for our group!

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This is a great way to feed a diverse group – from vegetarians, to meat eaters, to sweet tooths! Here are some great ideas for toppings.

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The Traditional – Bacon, sour cream, chives, and cheddar are guaranteed to make this a comfort food! You can enhance the traditional with a variation (like black beans!).

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The Southwestern – Salsa, Guacamole, black beans, onions and peppers can turn your potato party into a potato fiesta!

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The Desser-tater – Mini marshmallows, brown sugar, and toasted walnuts or pecans turn a sweet potato into a delectable treat!

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You could also try a Hawaiian potato with grilled pineapple, ham, and a little cheese. Or make a really hearty meal with roasted chicken and a cheddar-broccoli topping! The possibilities are endless!

We didn’t stop with just dinner. Amanda was on dessert duty and created a delicious French apple tart!

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Let us know what you would put on your baked potato bar in the comments section below!

OAM’s Autumn Pumpkin Recipe Contest!

Autumn is upon us. September 21st is creeping up on our calendar and then it will be official! Leaves will change color, a cool bite will chill the air, and there will be pumpkins EVERYWHERE!! Pumpkin is such a multi-purpose ingredient in cooking, baking, and drink concocting that we thought we should use it for the basis of a competition.

Last year we did the OAM Holiday cookie contest and we loved it SO MUCH that we are doing another recipe contest this year!!

Ladies and gents alike love to chow down on some orange-tinted goodies during the Autumnal months! Which brings us to introduce our…

OAM Autumn Pumpkin Recipe Contest


The Rules are Simple: 

1. Submit your favorite homemade recipe which features pumpkin as a main ingredient to: onceamonth4ladies@gmail.com

2. Include the “finished product” photo

3. Include a picture of yourself

4. Send us the link to your Blog, Facebook Page, Tumblr, Twitter, whatever! 

The four of us will choose 4 recipes to move on to the final round where your friends, family, and fellow bloggers can vote for the Autumn Pumpkin Recipe!!!

Our Winner Will Receive: 

A special OAM gift certificate! Your pumpkin recipe will be the featured “Spread” for our November Event! We will also get you started off right for the New Year! A prime spotlight post dedicated to you and your social media during November and December! 

Email your submissions to onceamonth4ladies@gmail.com by September 30th!

I HATE Cat Litter.

I have two furry cats whom I love dearly. 



I love my cats. HATE HATE HATE their cat litter.
And you can’t say no to loving them just because of their poop course.

Cat litter boxes are so flipping disgusting. Especially if you can’t hide them out in a basement, closet, or far, far distance from planet earth. No one wants to see your cats litter, smell it, or even know that it exists. 

SO! I built this guy. It’s perfect for an apartment or small house. You can keep it in any room and most people won’t even notice what’s under the hood!

It’s from Ikea (My Addiction). 
I cut a chunk out of the side for ease in and out for the furry ones.
You take the lid off, scoop out the gross crap, pour new in, wash your hands then be on your way!

It’s big enough for storage of the litter and scoop too!




What do you use for the cats nasty craps?

xo – Kyla


My Life is a Sausage-Fest.

By Shaina

My life is a sausage-fest.  Home?  Men.  Work?  Men.  The two places I spend 90% of my time, I am the only “innie” in sea of “outties.”  But it wasn’t always this way.

For most of my youth/young adulthood, I had almost exclusively female friends.  To be honest, I probably didn’t have a lot of (or any) male friends, because I was always intimidated by the thought.  What do I say?  How do I act?  Do they think I’m cute? Does it matter if they think I’m cute? No… Okay, yes.  I was never particularly popular or cool, but my small group of friends is all I needed—a handful of girls to spend my time with sharing gossip, crying over boys or jealousy, or just hanging around looking through magazines. 

After college, all that changed.  I moved away from my friends, lived alone with my (now) husband and started working in an office of eight men. My communication skills devolved into Facebook status updates, the occasional comments on my friend’s walls or text messages. Now I feel like those girls that I once cherished have become just familiar acquaintances.  For years, not having any significant friendships outside of my marriage didn’t bother me much.  I developed wonderful relationships with my male coworkers and now count many of them as great friends…but they’re the kind that you only see at work.  

However, over the past year, I’ve begun to reflect on my life as it is today.  I am incredibly fortunate. I have a job that I love (and one sustains me financially) with coworkers I actually like and a husband that loves me even when I’m a raging psychopath. I have a home to call my own and the most adorable dog who is excited to see me every time I come home, regardless of how long I’ve been away.  But somehow I have felt incredibly lonely and empty.  I’ve spent countless hours contemplating my feelings and the potential causes of this tremendous longing I’ve felt for months, if not years.  And then it hit me.

I want a girlfriend. 

Hell, I want lots of girlfriends. (The fact that I was envious of the characters on “Sex and the City” should have been a tip off.)

 I began to realize how much I need other women in my life and how relationships with women fulfill me in ways that my relationships with men cannot.  I am lucky enough to be married to my best friend, but at the end of the day, he does not want to talk about make up or gossip with me—he simply does not care.  Although I’ve always maintained that all that stereotypical “girl” stuff doesn’t matter, it kind of does.  It does if only because it’s fun.  I have forgotten how much fun it is to sit around with a bunch of chicks talking about vaginas or who gives us the biggest lady-wood, or how comforting and soothing it is having an in-depth conversation about your relationship with someone who isn’t actually in it.  Girlfriends can make you laugh, make you cry, make you crazy, pick you up when you stumble, be a shoulder, an ear or a hug, be an inspiration, motivation, perspective.  Girlfriends can build you up while keeping you grounded, and that’s something I’ve desperately missed.

That’s why now I am so excited and proud to be part of an organization that champions and cherishes friendship and bonding between women—OAM.  I have a renewed commitment to my existing friendships and am excited to develop new ones.  Nurturing my friendships with women may not completely fill the void I feel, but it is a vital step in developing my emotional self. 

Thank you OAM for reminding me of how very important we are to each other. 

Survivor: Caramoan We are a Fan of a Fav!

If you’ve been paying attention you might have noticed one of our awesome Contributors, Andrea, is on this season of Survivor: Fans vs. Favs RIGHT NOW! So why wouldn’t we promote her awesomeness and encourage you to tune in to watch her be bad ass every Wednesday on CBS, 8/7c?! Wait, you didn’t see the first two episodes? That’s ok! Go HERE, and you can start from scratch! 

Last week, I, Kyla, went to Andrea’s premiere party in her hometown land of Wisconsin…


Let’s just say this, if you like any sporting event you will LOVE to go and watch a show like Survivor with a room FULL of fans who are cheering on the home team. It was such an awesome and moving experience. Everyone there was shouting and clapping all for our gal, Andrea! 

Here’s a few pictures from the night… and if you’re in Wisco, on a Wednesday night, this could be YOU sitting with a crowd of folks watching Survivor. Better yet, get your own crowd together to watch and cheer on Andrea! :) 

My Cousin Asia and Me
The Jeff Probst with all of his supportive words of encouragement
Survivor Themed Cake
Team Tshirts
Andrea and a fan!
Have a look at that Survivor Themed Menu! Creative folks in Silver Creek, WI
Have a look at that Survivor Themed Menu! Creative folks in Silver Creek, WI!
A crowd of hometown fans, do you feel loved Andrea?! :)

Do you watch Survivor?! If not, get to it! Cheer, Cheer, Cheer for Andrea!

xo – Kyla


Murder at the OAM Galentine’s Event!

I’m in Wisconsin planning my first OAM Event and I’m trying to figure out… how in the heck am I going to get a handful of girls together who have only one thing in common (as of that time), knowing me?! It was a lot of pressure to figure out drinks on my own, recipes on my own, and (for crying out loud) the event itself on my own!!! Luckily my girl in here in Wisco, Felicia, was a trooper in the “Kyla Planning Process” aka “Think Big for Everything.” And she did just that.

The Event: Murder Mystery Party

It was the perfect way to introduce the girls to each other, but also let them hide a little bit behind their “characters.” Oh, and I wanted to plan this in a week! (Not by choice necessarily but I knew most of the girls would be available) 

The Invitation:

Basic Facebook Event. Now, sending the event invite snail mail would have been super cool but because of my time crunch I allowed myself to use Facebook. Plus it proved to be a great way to communicate with everyone about story details, etc. 

OAM has expanded to Wisconsin, just in time for Galentine’s Day!
But, unfortunately, not everyone will be in attendance because there has been a MURDER!


Ladies, bring your detective skills for our three acts of mystery solving including:


When you RSVP by Tuesday (Tomorrow!) you will receive your character information. We encourage you to go all out. The crazier the outfits and personalities the better!

Hope to see you all there! Bwahahaha!

I’ve never thrown a murder mystery party before and was honestly a little nervous. I did loads of researching and found a website that provided loads of stories to go with, called Host-Party. I needed an all female group, guests 6-8, and I really wanted it to be around a Romance/Sex/Valentine’s theme.  The week of the event I sent private Facebook messages letting the ladies know of their character personalities and professions. This way they would have an idea of who they would be playing and what they should wear. I also included a little info about the story. 

Revenge Against a Ladies’ Man

If hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, then eight women scorned are a force to be reckoned with indeed! Eight women have discovered something terrible: they have all been dating the same man, famed singer/songwriter John Lothario! In their outrage, they have joined forces to exact their revenge on the man who broke their hearts.

They planned only to ruin his career and make him pay for his disrespect, but now it appears that one of them has taken things too far. John Lothario has turned up missing, his hotel room filled with mysterious spatters of blood, his favorite lucky jacket found floating in a river! Now the women must determine who betrayed their plans, before they are all blamed for John Lothario’s disappearance.

Typically in Murder Mysteries you hand out envelopes with information and clues that are handed out during each round. But my lack of envelopes, papers, pens, and time pushed me in this new “digital” direction. I loaded up the gaming pamphlet the day of the game and digitally had everything on my computer desktop. And it worked great! 

The ladies arrived and were greeted with Rose Petals leading the way to the front door. They were wooed with a variety of beverages and food galore. Did someone say Chocolate? Peanut Butter? Sugar? We had all of it!!!

Victoria – Played by my awesome cousin, Bianca made these Red Velvet Chocolate Mini Cupcakes. A great addition to a Murder Mystery Party! Red, Chocolate, and Silver Bullets! Psst: Can you tell she’s a professional baker?! ;)

Oh and my guests were dressed PERFECT!

Beatrice - Shaina
Beatrice Bucks
John Lothario’s Manager
Beatrice is pushy and always gets what she wants. She loves money more than anything, so she is always trying to strike good bargains. She has been known to bargain down the price even at fast food restaurants.
Victoria - Bianca
Victoria Rose
Victoria Rose has been acting since the age of ten. She always plays a sweet, wholesome young woman who falls in love with Prince Charming. Her fans think she’s just like the characters she portrays. Victoria is everyone’s sweetheart.
Clara - Sarah
Clara Rover
Dog Groomer
Clara thinks the world would be a nicer place if people were more like dogs. She talks to dogs, and when she has to talk to humans, she talks about dogs. Now that she has John’s dog, Armani, she dresses him in a different outfit every day.
Katarina- Joey
Katarina Kitty
Model and Diner Server
Katarina is stunningly beautiful and is accustomed to using her beauty to get what she wants. Unfortunately, however, she has not been able to land the top modeling jobs she covets, so she works at a local diner to make ends meet.
Laura Lense
Laura likes looking at life through the lens of a camera. She is constantly snapping pictures. Laura is easily distracted from everything except her art, and is always trying to draw the conversation back to photography.
Lisa - Kyla
Lisa Scribe
Lisa Scribe is a no-nonsense reporter who doesn’t take “no” for an answer. If she smells a good story in the making, she keeps on the trail until she’s got the scoop. Her probing interview style that can get anybody to spill their deepest secrets.
Sara - Shari
Sara Rune
Fortune Teller, Astrologer and Palm-Reader
Sara Rune is a free spirit who makes her living reading palms and conveying messages from the dead. During any break in a conversation she will tell people their horoscope for the day or make predictions based on the lines on their palms.

Needless to say, by the end of the night, these girls had more in common than just being friends with me. We all hit it off so great and have made plans for events lasting 2+ years! If you’ve got girls you hang out with that haven’t met each other yet, I really encourage introducing them to each other. I’m so happy that I found a core group to get things started here in Wisconsin! Keep looking out for more goodies the girls and I have to offer! It’s only going to get more fun from here! 

An Open Letter To My Indecisive Lover

Dear Indecisive Lover, 

First of all I would like to say, “Hello!”  and a big, “Fuck you!”. It has been eleven months and thirteen days since I have last seen or spoken to you. I am sure you can recall but considering it looks as if you head isn’t screwed on straight I will enlighten you. 

Eleven months and thirteen days ago at 3a.m. I sat in your Scion box car as you proceeded to rip my heart to shreds. I believe your choice words were, “I don’t think we should be together… I have doubts… It just doesn’t feel right… I just don’t see where you fit into my future.” I’m assuming you didn’t see yourself asking for me back in the future either. As you watched me sob next to you, you did not hesitate on your decision. I’m sure you can remember. My parents were flying half way across the country the next day to meet your parents. Oh yes, my parents really enjoyed flying into sunny California to their beloved daughter who couldn’t keep her shit together. Enough of the reminiscing of that beautiful night lets get back to the now shall we? 

Seeing you there on my door step with tears in your eyes filled my heart with satisfaction. I now know you actually feel something and it is great to see, I must say. Even though I get a slight enjoyment from it, my initial reaction is to make it better for you. I want to protect you from a world of pain. That was suppose to be your job for me…You did the opposite. That being said, I am not the girl you have once loved. I have gone through some sort of rite of passage for woman. I am confident, passionate and I don’t take shit from anyone. I would like to say I’m a bit wiser now, I mean I do take classes at a community college! (that’s a joke at my own expense. See you’re not the only one I hate) The way I once felt about you is gone, and maybe that is the way it should be. Maybe I will grow another kind of love for you. Maybe I wont. 

Your indecisiveness is infectious to my brain. I cannot seem to figure out what the hell to do with you. I can’t decide if I want to beat the shit out of you or thank my lucky stars. Has God put you back on my radar to show me that you are not what I really want? Or is He showing me that He really does love me and wants to give me everything I ask for? For the first time since I last saw you I can’t remember what it feels like to kiss you. I spent a year and four months kissing you and now I have no idea what your lips feel like. I don’t know what your hand looks like intertwined in mine. I can’t decided if that is a good or bad thing. 

I believe it is every girls fairytale for the man of her dreams to come back and say they were wrong. I just don’t know how that fairytale ends. Does she forgive him and they live happily ever after? Does she say piss off you had your chance and finds another man to cherish her? Maybe she will never get the thought out of her head that every man will never stick around. Maybe she would she rather be alone forever than to forgive. 

I know I cannot protect my heart forever, but for now I’ll put my fairytale endings whatever they may be on hold. 



Coming Together While Miles Apart

Kyla recently moved from California to Wisconsin, which makes it pretty difficult for the entire OAM crew to get together…or so we thought!! Technology has made it so easy for people to stay in contact with each other, hear one another’s voices, and see crazy facial expressions no matter the distance between. We took advantage of one such handy internet tool for a virtual gathering! Through the magic of Google Hangouts we’re able to stay connected!

High Five

Now to plug Google Hangouts… it’s better than Skype. No need to pay an additional fee and you can easily connect with up to 10 of your friends all at once. There are fun effects, hats, sounds, and other interesting fun bits while you’re chatting away! And if you ask Tosha, you can even play Ping Pong! 

It’s hard to keep in touch long distance, even for friendships. It’s kind of one of those “out of sight out of mind.” Which is a tough cookie in itself! With distance being a bummer between all of us, we are turning our frowns upside down and paying more attention to how we can be closer together even though we are MILES apart! 



1. Google Hangout. As you can already tell, note picture after picture after picture it’s loads of fun and we barely had any issues with sound, service, or picture! 😉

2. Snail Mail. Not Snail Male. (Because Male Snails are weird.) Everyone loves getting mail and it keeps the postal service in fast action. Get creative with your gal pales and send care packages, homemade cards, and fun little things you come across that makes you think of your girls! Post cards!

3. Texting. One of the easiest forms of communication. It’s quick and easy, and is just enough to say “Hi, I miss you friend!” You can even be sitting on the toilet and chatting with your friends. Even though we do that while chatting on the phone too…

4. Phone. It’s not too awful to chat on the phone. Sometimes it does feel like a chore, but the next time you’re doing dishes, going on a walk, or even driving (hands free for safety please!), call your girls and kill two birds with one stone. Plus, it’s a great way to make some awful boring times a little bit more enjoyable!

5. Vacation. Everyone likes vacation. Especially when you have a free couch to crash on! Drive, fly, hop, skip, jump, and do whatever it takes to hang out with the girls you love to love! Plus who doesn’t like a slumber party?! 


Now you know how, let’s talk when…

Schedule time to talk to the people who are far, far away. Even though they find themselves in another town, state, or country, your friends can still be super supportive and fun to hang out with.

When you can accomplish the above list, no excuses.

In a bus, on a train, on the toilet (as mentioned), at the beach, on a boat, in the living room, at the post office, on a horse, in the Neighborhood of Make-Believe, at a bar, on top of a pyramid, on a plane, in a closet, on top of the fridge, where you found Waldo, in a cabinet, underneath a bridge, Camp Anawanna, on a park bench, in the changing room, in bed, at the kitchen table, at Central Perk, on the coffee table, at work, Luke’s Diner, at your parents, on the balcony, at the zoo, Timbuktu, bar bathroom, on the farm, on a walk, Where the Sidewalk Ends, in your car, in your friend’s car, and other fine establishments, places, and on things…

We are sure proof of that! Our January Event, was the four of us, at our homes, some of us in our PJs, some of us Pant-less. Okay, maybe not but it makes for a good story 😉 It was fun to catch up, laugh like crazy, and feel like we were in the same room with one another.

Now, get on the horn, horse, typewriter, and get to work contacting your best gal pals! Oh and tell them we said hello!!!





One of our awesome friends over at A Happy Lass also had a great chit chat with her favorite gal pals! They are spread all across, Colorado, California, North Carolina, Boston, and Illinois! Check out their fun-ness here

Escape the Facebook Fantasy Land Blues

Log onto Facebook and it’s an array of happy news for everyone else. The bitch I hated in high school just got married to a handsome lad, bought a brand new five bedroom house with hopes of popping out several children, and has “an amazing job” with “the best co-workers.” Another one of my friends traveled the world, exploring South Africa, Egypt, Japan, all of Europe, etc. A few former friends from high school just had 






and you weren’t invited. Have I mentioned they all look so flawless? attractive? mature? One friend brags about how much she loves her boyfriend of five years, who sent her flowers at work, wrote a romantic letter, and left it underneath her pillow, then hung a huge sign outside of the house professing his love. So adorable, right?

Now, here’s the trouble:

We forget that, while we are in Facebook Fantasy Land, the bitch I hated in high school actually hates her husband (he’s controlling but rich), and her job isn’t what she wanted but settled on it because of her parents’ nagging. So she smiles big in all of the photos that she then uploads to Facebook to make sure everyone sees the rare occasions where she’s having “the time of her life.” 

My traveling friend now finds herself alone, penniless, and lonely, but discovers she’s saturated in a bucket of her own memories. (Which is better?) 

“The Best Girls Night Ever!” was a hoax. Samantha was angry at Amy for all the crap she pulled in high school (stealing boyfriends and such), Veronica was off hitting on an old man at the bar because her husband left her, and Kim was just happy to have another drink to steady her shaking hand. 

The boyfriend bragger? Well, they fought the night before about how he had cheated on her during most of their relationship and she broke up with him several times within an hour. But after his wooing and convincing her that it didn’t mean anything and that he only loved her, she took him back. The flowers? The romantic letter? The sign? That was her boyfriend’s way of making up for his multiple “accidents.” 

So, what’s the moral of the story?

It’s not that happy news isn’t posted on Facebook, but everyone is always putting their best foot forward when posting on a social media site. Everyone wants their image and reputation to fall under a glamorous light, so why would they post bad things that happen to them? 

Facebook depression has been studied in kids and young adults, and while some studies show that there’s no proof, others (myself included) showed signs. 

And what about those of us from the older generations who are new to Facebook? For adults (our older cousins, parents, and – yes, even –grandparents), it might not drop down to a friend count or being invited to certain events, but it can certainly be about the focus of other people’s happiness. Adults who have reached the age of, say, 50 and look at their current situation and forget all that they’ve accomplished throughout their entire lives, all because their attention has focused on a friend from 20 years ago who is currently backpacking through Europe.

If we are too involved in the digital life of our friends and loved ones, we tend to forget who we are and what we are capable of providing to those we see face-to-face. Sometimes, we are so driven by other people’s lives via Facebook Fantasy Land, that we drive ourselves right into this Facebook depression. 

Here’s a few helpful hints we came up with to keep you living your life instead of your friends/acquaintances on social media.

1. Remember what you are seeing, you are believing. Imagine putting your favorite movie on and just watching the last 10 minutes. Those 10 minutes of resolution, happiness, and “the best life ever” – that’s what you get on Facebook. What you are not seeing are the difficult situations, struggles and choices made to get to those opportunities. You didn’t get to see how your friend got that awesome job after months of unemployment, eating Ramen Noodles, and living in their parents’ basement. You didn’t get to hear the screaming match the couple had the night before their engagement. You didn’t get to feel the pangs of loneliness being a stay-at-home mom after college or an abandoned partner after 15+ years of marriage.

2. Step away. If you find yourself relying more on social media than living your own life, logout and don’t peek for at least two hours. Then the next time, see if you can wait an extra few hours before checking your newsfeed. Then try a day, then a week, then whenever you have spare time after living your own life. We’re not saying it’s bad to have a Facebook, since we have a Facebook page dedicated to our site. But we’d rather have you out living your life than living ours on a 24/7 basis. Why? Because we care!

3. Share your happiness with Facebook. It’s easy to fall into a negative mindset and become jealous of what others have, but just remember that you too lead a lovely life! Share your own creativity, hang with your own friends or family, take your own photos, share your own accomplishments. It is easier to be happy when you are happy for those around you, and in order to be happy for those around you – even for the evil girl who pantsed you in school that is now bragging about her wonderful life in the digital world – you must appreciate all that you have, too. Don’t forget your faithful husband, your romantic boyfriend, your goofy friends, your loving children, your kind co-workers. There are people in your life you can recognize but, most of all, recognize yourself and all your awesomeness!

Feel free to take this Facebook Depression Poll 

We want others to know that they’re not alone, so please and let us know if you are suffering or have suffered from the Facebook Fantasy Land Blues.

XO – Kyla and Felicia 







Meet Felicia!

Felicia Clark has a BA in Journalism and a minor in Creative Writing from the University of Wisconsin-Oshkosh. She is an avid reader, writer, and editor and has been published as a freelance reporter in several Fox Cities magazines and newspapers. During her free time, she enjoys crafting with mod podge, ballroom dancing, being a yogi, reading from an actual book (none of this Nook and Kindle business), storytelling, drinking tea, and eating healthy. Her guilty pleasures include watching Sex and the City, Lipstick Jungle, and Jane Austen films; eating cheese and chocolate; and drinking a glass of wine at the end of the day. Visit her over at Measure Life In Bookmarks!

The Friend Who Cried Wolf

The Friend Who Cried Wolf

We all have one.  You know, the friend that calls weekly (if not daily), hysterical over every dramatic event that happens to her.  Her meltdowns are like clockwork, having at least one “life-altering” crisis a week.  The first week it’s about the guy that she met at the bar the other weekend – you know, the one with the convertible? Well, he hasn’t returned her text in over two days, and even though she can’t even remember what his last name is, this could be her ‘Prince Charming’ and she is in full-on panic mode.  The week before last, her call was about your mutual friend Becky.  She can’t possibly believe that Becky has yet to return her favorite purple sweater that she borrowed, and she just knows you’re as frustrated at Becky as she is.  The nerve!  This week it is about her “completely unfair” professor whose test she failed, ignoring the fact that she frequently skips his class.  

You start to regret answering her phone calls.  You cautiously even block a few of them.  It is hard enough to balance your own full plate while keeping your sanity, let alone help manage hers.  Then your guilt kicks in.  She has been your friend since middle school, and has been there through everything.  Regardless, the relationship is exhausting, and her behavior is pushing a wedge between you and what used to be your closest friend.  

What you can do: Stop enabling her behavior.  If her text message reads: “Calling you in 5.  Just saw my ex and some girl at the movies … HOLDING HANDS!”, don’t answer her call.  Send a return text letting her know that you can’t answer the phone right now, but you can catch up this weekend over coffee and she can fill you in on the details later.  This can help shift your position from being on-call crisis counselor to supportive friend.  Another note: a true friend is helpful, supportive, and honest. It will not do your friend any good if you help her embellish the details of her most recent dramatic crisis.  What may seem like empathy is only creating a perpetuating problem.  Instead, help calm your friend.  You can be empathetic about what she is feeling, while also pointing out something positive.  Yes, that guy with the convertible didn’t text her back, but you can remind her of the new promotion she got offered at work, which will probably be taking up most of her free-time for a bit.  

Don’t problem solve. It is great to offer reassurance, but it is important to leave the problem for your friend to resolve.  Developing problem-solving skills and learning how to appropriately manage anxiety are important parts of personal development.  Fixing your friend’s problems for them cheats them out of this important experience.  Communicate.  If the problem continues, it is important to articulate to your friend how you’re feeling.  Remember to be respectful and use “I-statements” (“I feel exhausted when …”).  Let her know that you value your friendship, and the distance that has developed between you is what concerns you the most.  You find more pleasure in being her friend that her therapist.  Encourage her to seek out additional support.  Finding a therapist can help your friend learn how to manage some of her anxiety or insecurities, and develop coping skills that she can use in the future.  It will not only benefit your friend, but your relationship together as well. 


Vanessa Lemminger M.A., IMF 68894
Marital and Family Therapy Registered Intern

VanessaLemmingerMatthew Bruhin & Associates

4452 Park Blvd, Suite 214
Office: 619-683-3774
Fax: 619-243-7211
Email: vanessa@matthewbruhin.com
Employed and supervised by Matthew Bruhin, Ph.D., Lic. MFC47460

About Vanessa Lemminger: 

Vanessa Lemminger is a State of California Board of Behavioral Science Registered Marriage and Family Therapy Intern (IMF #68894), with over 2,000 hours of experience working with couples, families, and children.  Vanessa is also a member of the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists.  Vanessa Lemminger’s office is located in San Diego, California.

For more information, please visit her website at www.matthewbruhin.com, or contact her directly at mailto:vanessa@matthewbruhin.com.  You may also subscribe to her blog at: vanessalemminger.wordpress.com